Recent surveys have concluded not only that Alabama, Kentucky, and Michigan are the fattest states, but also that the general weight of this country is skyrocketing, and that the rest of the world (sans Ethiopia and Bangladesh, the last bastions of the "natural" negative three waist line) is to follow. Australia already offers fat-reduction programs to get rid of their obesity problem, but America has yet to implement governmental aid in the fight against its population's fat.
Am I the only one that this information scares?
Well apparently I am. That or I am the most ingenious, as I do believe that I have solved the nation's weight epidemic once and for all. I've concocted a plan so perfect, so flawless and god-like, that I'm quite sure Mother Nature and Mr. Natural Selection could not have done a better job themselves. In fact, I'm sure of that-- because if they were so great, we wouldn't have
That's right, my revolutionary new dietary alternative will not only guarantee complete elimination of your fat, but it will also work to end world hunger. Because that's in the best interest of Jesus, from what I hear. Or something. I don't see why Jesus doesn't just whip up a few million loaves of bread for the entire third world, but hey, I don't understand a lot of theology.
"But Nick, what ever could your idea be? Why are you stalling so much? I'm fat and impatient and suffering from the meat sweats!"
Yea, yea, I can hear it all now, so I'll share with you my idea right now. Ladies and gentlemen, teenagers of all breeds and the few e-geezers on my friends' page, behold the one of a kind and brand-spankin'-new...
I actually put effort into the manipulation of this picture,
as one can clearly see when they compare it to the original
For the convenience of you readers, I've broken up my plan into three demographics based upon age so that you can jump right to your own category and see how I'd deal with said group's obesity. I've done this also because I know how impatient a lot of you fat people are when it nears dinner time. And I've also done this because I know how much everybody (particularly VH1) loves countdowns and lists.
1. Fat Children (Birth - Age 18) Nobody likes fat kids. Plain and simple. Nobody. (Except Donkey Lips). If you say you do, it's probably because a.) you, yourself, are a fat kid or b.) your only friends are fat kids, in which case you're a loser. But simply hating fat kids is not enough, as that does very little in terms of lessening their girth. In fact, it may even expand their waistlines unintentionally as our constant ridicule could goad many of the gluttonous gargantuans into eating even more-- to fill that void that praise would normally occupy in us skinny, normal, attractive people.
What I propose is the systematic elimination of fat kids by
bribing them with Twinkiesforcing them to run on treadmills all the time. And I do mean all the time. Just attach the pudgy lumpkins to large hamster wheels (made out of steel so that they don't bend underneath their immense weight) which will generate kinetic energy. (What this energy will be used for will be explained momentarily.) P.S. LOOK AT HOW FAT THIS GIRL IS.
2. Fat Adults (Age 19 - Age 55) This group is easily the largest (HA! IF I WERE A COMPUTER THAT'D BE A MALPUNCTION!) group of fat people. Not only are they the most unpleasant to look at, but they're also very, very useless. Unless of course you are turned on by scantily-clad fat people, in which case this is your favorite group (unless you're turned on by underage fat people, in which case I'd like you to remove yourself from my friends' page). Anyway, what I suggest is using the huge levels of energy generate from the tremendous-toddler-treadmills to power gigantic flame throwers, with which we could burn all of the fat people (FOR FUN)
If Smokey the Bear's taught me one thing, it's that fire is capable of wiping out lots and lots of shit. So why not put that to use, I ask? Why not just eat away the nation's weight epidemic by blow torching the whole thing en masse? I can't think of any reason not to.
Additionally, this "burned-fat-byproduct" could be used as an alternative fuel source for our automobiles! In which case we'd no longer be dependent upon the Middle East for oil, and in which case we'd be able to eliminate our nation's weight problem IN ONE
FATFELL SWOOP! Think of filling your SUV with liquid fat instead of petroleum, whilst knowing that your money is not going to fund international terrorism but, instead, to beautifying the nation! It would be a beautiful day, indeed. P.S. LOOK AT THIS WOMAN CLAP WITHOUT USING HER HANDS!
(Must have Windows Media Player)
3. Fat Old People (Age 56 -
Strom ThurmondDeath) Nothing good can come of this group, so they'd just be shot on sight. That's it. Maybe their wrinkly, fat bodies could be made into soap or something. Or nice decoration pieces for your front yard.
PROBLEM SOLVED. FIN.